Eazy e

Folks, I need some legal help.  I know, I know--I'm a lawyer, and why does a lawyer need legal help?  Same reason a general practitioner in medicine might need a brain surgeon.  Same reason the flight attendant can't just step out in front of the passengers on a plane and say, "Hey, everybody please stay calm, but does anyone here know how to operate any kind of vehicle whatsoever?"  I do my thing and I like to think I do it well, but I'm not an intellectual property specialist.

And I need to file a trademark.  On this:

e

"What?" you incredulously ask.  "The letter 'E'?  You want to trademark the letter 'E'.  VanNewkirk, you've lost your mind.  You've gone insane in the membrane.  You're playing without a full deck, you're truly gone fishing, you are all kinds of metaphors for bugfuck crazy.  We knew it would happen someday, and boy did it ever.  Trademark a letter!  Pish!  And posh!  Trademark a letter of the alphabet, as if!"

And I say, "Nuts.  Nuts, I say, and nuts, I mean.  That's not a letter.  That's a number.  That right there is Euler's Constant, a.k.a. 'e', a.k.a. the natural log (as in logarithm, not something that came out your butt, what are you, five?) and while it coincidentally looks like my middle initial, smartypants, it really signifies the limit of (1 + 1/n)ⁿ as n approaches infinity, approximate value 2.71828-et cetera, and trademarking letters that are numbers is totally a thing now."

No, seriously.  It's a thing.  Some jackass has trademarked π and evidently the USPO let him.

Okay, okay, it's a little more highfalutin' than that, you got me.  If you follow the link, he trademarked, π, period, as in:

π.^®

See, the period is like the grace note in "Ice Ice Baby" that completely and totally differentiates it from "Under Pressure".   So what I really want to do, I guess, is trademark this:

e.

And then I can put it on stuff.  You know, stuff.  Like, you know, shirts, I guess.  And other articles of clothing, not just shirts.  Like... sweatshirts, for instance.  Or hoodies.  Or maybe wifebeaters.  I mean, there's a lot of potential here, and if you help me, you could get rich.

Or we could just harass Zazzle users, right?  Like, you know, send Zazzle a demand that they pull any merch that has our e.™ on it, because, like, maybe some of those people will, I dunno, license our number from us.  I think there's a plan for profit, here.  I mean, yes, basically my plan right now looks like, "(1) Trademark e, (3) PROFIT!" which sounds kinda familiar for some reason, but I think it's a sound plan.

Plus, you know, economists and biologists and people who track logarithmic exponential growth for whatever reason (oo!  I'll bet vampire hunters use e all the time!) probably put e on stuff: academic journals, government reports, whiteboards, chalkboards, backs of envelopes, cocktail napkins, etc., etc.--we might be able to get lots of licensing money from all those rich public university academics with their "tenure" and their "health plans" and their "working a part-time job during the summer but don't tell my students I waited tables all July"!  Ha!  We'll be milking it in!

So help me make this dream come true.  Riches beyond compare could be ours for the taking if you'll just help me fill out some paperwork trademarking the use of Euler's Number followed by a period on whatever the hell someone might want to put Euler's Number on.  This is totally a plan.  The world is our oyster.  Why, given enough time and a breeding population of bivalves, the world is our N₀e^(rt) oysters....

Help me out here, friends.  We can totally make this a thing.  Clearly.