An open letter to Evans Green

**SPAM** FYI‏

From: Evans Green (bthiem@ump.edu.pl)
Sent: Fri 5/18/12 1:49 AM
To:

Although you might be apprehensive about my email as we have not meet before,I am Mr Evans Green,I am a Banker i work with Bank Of England,There is the sum of $20,600,000.00 in my Bank "Bank Of England" There were no beneficiaries stated concerning these funds which means no one would ever come forward to claim it.

That is why I ask that we work together so as to have the sum transfered out of my Bank into your Bank Account or any other account of your choice. I will be pleased to see if you can help me and also be a good and trusted person. Once the funds have been transferred to your Nominated Bank Account we shall then share in the ratio of 60 for me, 40 for you,do send me a mail as soon as possible for more details here is my email address: evans019650@gmail.com

Regards
Mr Evans Green

Dear Mr. Green,

I have to admit, what made me apprehensive about your letter wasn't really that I've never heard of you before, but that you headed your message, "**SPAM** FYI‏". Now, I don't really eat Hormel's most famous product all that often. Now that I think about it, the last time I consumed Spam was probably at a fair I went to years and years ago where a vendor was giving out pieces of fried Spam on biscuits, which I tried with some trepidation (fried Spam?!) only to discover that it was really surprisingly tasty and brought me round to a minor reappraisal of the merits of Hormel Food Corporation's flagship foodstuff.

Of course, that may not have surprised you at all: apparently fried Spam is a little bit of a thing in your home country, which received lots and lots of the stuff (Spam, I mean) during WWII as part of wartime assistance from the United States. (I guess maybe you Brits should have considered a Spam filter, ha-ha-ha--that's a geek joke). (I guess you may also know that Spam's status as a British staple thanks to the amount imported as wartime relief is what inspired the extremely famous Monty Python sketch.)

But then I saw something that made me really apprehensive. No, not the Spam (which is easily mocked but can be tasty, really, it can be, in modest dosages). What filled me with fear over your current situation was realizing that your employer, the Bank Of England, only has $20,600,000.⁰⁰ in the vaults.

Now, that seems like a lot of money to me, but for a national bank, well, that seems like hardly anything at all. BOE is the central bank of your country, man, the primary financial institution underlying the national economy, and it only has around £13,031,376 on hand?! I mean, Wikipedia claims the Bank Of England is supposed to control around two hundred and twenty-nine billion pounds sterling in total assets with over seven billion on hand in gold reserves. I know Wikipedia isn't always accurate, but that seems like a pretty big discrepancy!

And then you want to take all of the money out of the Bank Of England, and deposit it in my bank!

Okay, so I admit there was a brief moment when your message appealed to the James Bond movie villain in me, and who doesn't have one of those lurking inside their head? ("Hmmm--things I could do with laaaaaserrrrs, heh-heh-heh....") But then my natural compassion got in the way and I imagined some little old lady going into the bank to make a withdrawal so she could buy a toaster for somebody's birthday and being told, "I'm sorry, Your Majesty, whole bank's been cleaned out by some Yank grifter." She might not even be able to sell her pearls, even, because your country would sort of be out of money, though I guess if the Queen Of England goes in and asks if she can buy a toaster on credit, they probably don't immediately turn her down.

But then as I think through this, I also see a flaw in your scheme. (Well, several, actually....) Your employer is authorized to print more currency, which means that even though you might be able to take all the money out and invest it in my bank, I'd think the Bank Of England, as soon as they discovered the vaults had been emptied, could just fire up the laserjets (laaaaaserrrrs, heh-heh-heh) and run off a few billion bills, or at least however many they could get off before the cartridges died. (I'm thinking that maybe they focus on really big bills, like that new £50 note they're talking about on the website, f'r'instance.

But I just can't believe your country is running on so little currency, and that you'd be such a despicable, treasonous little toad you'd make off with all of it. I mean, I appreciate efficiency as much as anyone and if that's all your nation needs, I guess I can overcome by native skepticism and say, "alrighty, then". But that still leaves you being an awful choad who'd loot his entire country and turn the proceeds over to a complete and total stranger.

Which brings up another flaw in your plan, you silly little man. I appreciate that you're willing to find out (possibly the hard way) whether you'll "be pleased to see if [I] can help [you] and also be a good and trusted person." Have you ever even heard the expression, "No honor among thieves"? Or, I guess, "No honour among thieves," you'd call it? Same thing. How do you know I'm not going to take your whole national bank reserves and keep it, perhaps just to teach you a lesson, or maybe to get some vengeance for that time you made Dolley Madison cry?

But I am a good man, so I'm not going to let you do it. No, Mr. Green, I will not help you steal all your country's money and deposit it in an American bank, and I have half a mind to report you to Judi Dench or whomever so she can send someone round to shoot you with a laser (laaaaaserrrrs) wristwatch or whatever. I'm not a subscriber to blind patriotism, but I would have to say there's such a thing as nationalist decency, and you, sir, need to give it some thought.

At least think of the Queen's toaster, for fuck's sake!

Sincerely,
R. Eric VanNewkirk
Standing On The Shoulders Of Giant Midgets