An open letter to tarps@stauktibet.com

Dear tarps@stauktibet.com,

Oh, thank God. Thank God, thank God, thank God. He still loves me. Do you know, there I was, elbows-deep in a project, when I said to myself, "Self," (this is a running joke I have with myself) "Self," I said, "this is not working out the way it is supposed to, why don't you take yourself a little break, have a nice cool glass of strawberry lemonade, and check your e-mail." So I go over to the sink, wash up as best as I can, put some clothes on and go upstairs and do what I suggested to myself. Well, I say I suggested it to myself, but I do believe it was the voice of God Himself whispering in my little ear, because there was your e-mail right there on top of the list.

Now, I must confess: as careful as much as I think myself a careful planner, I had not thought of tarps. It may be that we simply see what's before us without much due thought. In my situation, I had a big pile of old carpeting all rolled up from when I last re-carpeted the place, and I had been cutting myself big swaths of that (there really is a lot of it) and using that. This has ended up being a failure in all sorts of ways--carpeting being so hard to clean (why, that's the reason I had to replace so much of it to start with) and one hearing all sorts of things on the television about fiber experts (though I do not know how much of that is to be taken for true). Still, I soldiered on with it, for carpeting I had and carpeting I knew, and I did not even think--though it seems foolish of me now, I agree--of tarps. Not until I saw your e-mail.

They're useful for everything.

Now it seems to me I must put some questions to you. How durable are your tarps? Do they tear easily? If I roll something up in one of your tarps and tape the loose end shut with lengths of Duck Tape, would the tape be wont to hold or are your tarps made of some material that will work loose, or that will hold the adhesive but readily tear? Do your tarps retain odors or stains? Are your tarps in any way absorbent or do they completely repel fluids? If one had to use a very sharp object to suddenly punch through one of your tarps that was rolled up around something all burrito-like because the package was making some annoying noise or trying to work itself loose, would I be able to punch straight through the layers of tarp? Conversely, how easy would it be for something to punch out, assuming it was wrapped up in a way that restricted its leverage? Do you have a price list? Would you say that your tarps are suitable for re-painting the inside of the house if I needed to? Are your tarps air-permeable to any degree? Can you arrange express delivery if there's an emergency? Are they marked in any way that might make them easily identifiable or traceable? Do you only deliver them to residences or would there be some way to arrange delivery to, say, an abandoned and undeveloped empty plot of real estate a few blocks from my home? Speaking of which, how heavy are your tarps, could they be easily-lugged over one's shoulder or would I need a wheel barrow? (I do have one available.) What sizes of tarp are available? (Width is very negotiable, as I can roll up or trim as needed, but I think a length of around seven feet is requisite, as I can tie or tape off the ends--much less than that is almost definitely too short.)

I hope you will respond immediately. I expect it's too late for a response that would help me with my current project, but I have several things in the works right now, and will probably initiate my next project sometime before the week is up. (There is no rest, they say, for the wicked, and while I myself am certainly not wicked, I believe I have identified a few who are. I sometimes think of myself as being a little like Santa Claus, as we both keep lists of who is naughty or nice, though we have our different purposes.) If you could please get back to me ASAP.

In the meantime, I must say that your message has reinvigorated and excited me! When I came upstairs, all I could think about was how tired my arms were and how much my back was hurting, and how little I looked forward to going to the hardware store for a new drill bit for my next project (the dull nubbin on the end is hardly getting anything done on this project, I'm afraid). But now! Now I have something to look forward to! Why, I can hardly finish my strawberry lemonade! I may even--if it won't jeopardize our promising business relationship--see what tarps the hardware store has in stock. Just to hold me over, understand.

I can hardly wait! I think I'll take the rest of my beverage downstairs, get out of these clothes and get back to work! Thank you, tarps@stauktibet.com, thank you God and Jesus and Mary!

Tarps! They're useful for everything!