An open letter to Oklahoma state Sentaor Ralph Shortey

FROM THE DESK OF HAROLD SCHERNEROFSKY BRIGMAN-JOHANNSON

January 26, 2012

Dear Sir,

Sir, I have one question for you. Just one question. One question is what this all boils down to. Why do you hate capitalism? Why do you hate free enterprise? Why do you hate entrepreneurship? Okay, that's three questions. Let me rephrase all of that: why do you hate me?

I have just learned--I am utterly appalled to have just learned--that you have taken steps to infringe upon my rights as a businessman, inventor, capitalist, and citizen by engaging in an unfair, unconstitutional restraint upon my right to make a living as an honest entrepreneur pursuing the American Dream in your home state, Oklahoma. Why do you hate the American Dream, Senator? Did the American Dream ever do anything to you? Perhaps you don't just hate the American Dream, perhaps you hate America. Perhaps you are a Soviet mole hunkered down in Oklahoma decades after the end of the Cold War and demise of the Russian threat to world liberty, much like one of those Japanese soldiers you used to always hear about in the decades after World War II, stranded alone on some Pacific Island with their raggedy uniforms and barely functional rifles, unaware the War was over and their side lost. Da, comrade?

I am, of course, referencing your fascistic proposal to ban the use of human fetuses in food.

I can hardly consider it a mere coincidence that your illegal, trade-restraining, philistine, Luddite proposal came just weeks, mere weeks before my company, Happy Sunshine Baby Foods, Incorporated (HSBF, Inc.), of which I am the founder and president, unveiled our flagship line of products in test markets across your state of Oklahoma. I have to assume you either despise business and the American Way or you were bought off by some competitor. Whose pockets are you in, Senator?

Or do you just hate new experiences? Perhaps you loathe fine, affordable, nutritious, fetus-based haute cuisine in a can? Until you came forward with your cretinous plan to keep civilized tastes from your fellow citizens, HSBF was prepared to roll out such sophisticated products as Child Tartare In A Red Wine Reduction Sauce™, Baby With Asparagus And Lemon Butter™, Enfant Ceviche™, Enfant en Croûte™, and Fetus Newburg™. Additional products were already in development by our staff of five-star, Paris-educated master chefs, including a promising (and delicious!) Enfant Meunière™ and Foetus Au Poivre™.

Our chefs use only the finest ingredients and the freshest fetuses, all certified organic and/or free range. Using an innovative and new patented process, each meal is pre-cooked and then canned to ensure freshness from our factory to your table. Simple reheating instructions are provided on every label, in terms so simple that even the most inexperienced cook or kitchen klutz can expect to have a meal worthy of the finest tables in Europe! And unlike "similar" products we understand to be in development by a rival company and expected to be sold under the brand/endorsement of Wolfgang Puck, our recipes are certified low sodium and absolutely no unnecessary preservatives or so-called "flavor enhancers" like MSG.

Let me tell you, sir, I have personally tasted every product we were going to roll out, and our baby food was fantastic. I can honestly say I have never had a finer fetus-based dish than the gourmet canned meals we hoped to bring to the benighted hemorrhoid on civilization's nether regions that Oklahoma must be to have a man like you in the state house. HSBF's top concern, unlike some of those "dehydrated instant fetus" and "fetus concentrate" products you may have had bad experiences with, was and always would have been top quality. We do not believe that just because someone is working three part-time jobs to barely scrape by in today's economy, that they shouldn't be able to feed their children children. No, HSBF's founding ethos was to bring the kinds of delicious, five-star fetuses millionaire celebrities and royalty might eat in a fancy restaurant to the tables of ordinary, hard-working, lower-income citizens, and at an affordable price.

Do you hate families, Senator? Do you hate nutrition? Do you know that our company's Baby With Asparagus And Lemon Butter™ is not just tasty, but is also fortified with several essential vitamins and minerals, including Vitamin C and calcium? Our babies aren't just delicious, sir, they're good for you, too. But I guess we can't have that in Oklahoma, now can we?

Sir, you disgust me.

I hope you realize that not only are we having to cancel our rollout plans, but since our entire business plan was based on a successful trial and promotion in your home state, we have had to lay off a hundred hard-working cannery workers, our entire kitchen staff including our team of top chefs, the secretarial pool, and the marketing department. In today's struggling economy, you have caused a hundred-and-seventy-five layoffs with one foul knife-to-the-back. As of today, I am now the sole employee of HSBF, Inc., sitting in a windowless closet with the one laptop I saved from the bank's repo men, waiting for the lights to get disconnected and wondering what I am going to do with the 10,000 gallon tank of fetuses behind Building G. God have mercy on you for what you have done, sir. I will never forgive.

Sincerely,
Harold Schernerofsky Brigman-Johannson,
President, Happy Sunshine Baby Foods, Incorporated

PUT A HAPPY SUNSHINE BABY™ IN YOUR POT TODAY!
THEY'RE THE YUMMIEST!

(H/t David Atkins.)