An open letter to EnlargeYourSnake
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EnlargeYourSnake
From: EnlargeYourSnake (xxxxxx@xxxxxxx.com)
Sent: Mon 5/09/11 2:51 AM
To:
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Dear Sir or Madam,
When I saw the header on your missive, I confess I was extremely excited and eager, and filled with raised expectations--until I opened the message and read further. Still, being indefatigably the optimist, I thought I would inquire further before I abandoned all hope; you may, after all, have an alternative.
Specifically, I would inquire of you whether you have any of these "herbal" products that might be suitable for female snakes, or whether you only have concoctions suitable for male Serpentes?
I shall endeavor to provide additional information in the hope it will assist you in replying to my question, although it is quite possible your answer will still be a flat "no." It happens that I am in possession of a rather large member of the species Eunectes murinus, colloquially known as the green anaconda or water boa, although those prone to vagueness will sometimes refer to a specimen of E. murinus merely as an anaconda and those prone to exaggeration will refer to murinus as a "giant" anaconda. Such grandiose nomenclature, I regret to say, hardly seems applicable to my dear Emma, who is a mere twenty-five feet in length and shows no sign of growing any larger at the present time (naturally, I suppose that some folks less-versed in herpetology, such as my vicious shrew of a wife or that intolerable and idiotic Mr. Hodgins whom those cretins running the Bank have seen fit to install over me as a so-called "supervisor" might find Emma large or frightening as it is, but this merely reflects their ignorance of the subtleties of serpentine magnitude).
When I purchased Emma from a circus gentleman (I do not believe they enjoy the term "carny") some years ago, Emma was a mere twenty feet in length, but I was assured she would gain considerably in size. I suppose I shouldn't complain--there was some difficulty in transporting the sweet lass from the trainyard to the old house I was able to purchase with the funds I'd secreted from that meddling harridan I only married because I thought that would quell her rabid persistence (instead, it only diverted it, I'm afraid, to long accusations about ineptitude at work and negligence in running household finances, and lengthy tirades about what other husbands do for their women, and an insistence that I abandon the collection of notable serpentia I had acquired over a forty-year lifetime of amateur herpetology). Moving Emma was a challenge not just for her considerable (and yet, I find, inadequate) mass, but because there had been some issue with Emma being falsely implicated in the disappearances of several small children last seen lurking about the Snake Tent. (Anyone who knows anything knows that snakes have such a slow metabolism that even a twenty-five foot long green anaconda could eat, at most, one child in a several week period and any other children mislaid by their parents almost certainly had run off to join the circus, as I might have, myself, had I not found myself forced into a less-than-advancing clerical job at a prominent bank by my rotten father's ill health and nagging demands of my vile mother, either of whom might have been cared for by my brother, were he of a more familial bent).
Anyhoo, Emma did gain somewhat in size in the massive heated pool I was able to set up in the basement of the old out-of-the-way house I procured, and indeed she thrived on a diet of dogs, goats, and the occasional neighborhood... well, enough about that, the point is that Emma thrived, but only up to a point. For several years now, she has stood at a mere twenty-five feet in length, and I confess that I am perhaps even giving the dear thing a few inches in the tail. I do not want to imply that the sweet girl has disappointed her adoptive father in any way, for she is of sweet temper and good disposition, and eats whatever I set before her and enjoys a good swim in her basement pool and is most lovely when she suns herself beneath the heat lamps. But a few more feet and a bit more girth would be tolerable, especially as that rotten Hodgins denied me a rise again last month and the wife happened to come across a bill referencing the power and water expenditures at the other house and had the gall to pester me about whether or not I had a mistress. A few feet, yes, and a proportional increase in the size of her head and expanse of dear Emma's jaws would be a wonderful thing.
Consider, as a benchmark, perfectly arbitrary, that my brother, Thomas, is five-seven and a bit stout in the belly; Mr. Hodgins is obviously taller but much thinner, and my wife almost as wide but much shorter (my parents have shrunken in their old age and are considerably smaller than my wife). I'm sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes: let us consider an arbitrary unit of mass to be called a "Thomas." At her present size, I believe that Emma might be able to comfortably get her jaws around a half-Thomas, or perhaps even a three-quarters Thomas. But I fear that a morsel of such size might strain the elastic muscles of her throat and jaw; I would be happier, I think, if she were, let us say, forty feet in length and could easily swallow one Thomas or possibly even one-and-a-quarter Thomases. Hypothetically and arbitrarily, that is. One might just as easily dub our unit of measure a Pauline or a Hodgins, but a Thomas seems like a useful reference point.
Alas, if your snake enhancement techniques are only applicable to the male of the species, my discreet inquiry (and I hope you understand the quiet nature of this inquiry) might be all for nought. Please reply at your earliest convenience if you have any suggestions whatsoever. And might I add that, given the discreet nature of inquiries regarding increases in the size of one's snake, it might be appreciated if you destroyed this message after responding. A man's vanity might be at stake, and while I am pleased with the size of my snake, one could certainly do with a larger one to improve upon one's pleasure.
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