Ten Reasons Zombies Are Better Than Teabaggers

(For Shawn and Jim.)

TEN REASONS ZOMBIES ARE BETTER THAN TEABAGGERS

1. They don't treat me like my brain has already been eaten.


2. Zombies treat everybody the same, regardless of race or creed.


3. Inarticulate grunting is less irritating than incoherent string of "you betchas!," revisionist history and all the lies, lies, lies.


4. Rotting tearducts mean fake crying for the cameras is impossible. If a zombie looks like he's crying, it's because his eyeball has caved in and the aqueous humor is running down his cheek, and it's completely sincere.


5. Zombies are smart enough not to invest in Goldline.


6. Dead economists do less damage than dead economic theories.


7. A zombie wouldn't be caught dead toting a sign calling for Obama's "impeahment" or protesting "socilism."


8. Zombies regurgitate partially-digested limbs and decomposing flesh, not the same old shit they saw on Fox the other day.


9. I'd rather write an entire story about zombies having sex than imagine a fleshpile of wrinkled, dessicated, septuagenarian Objectivists. (Oh gods... that was just like the whole thing about telling someone not to imagine an elephant. My brain. My poor, poor brain. Bleach! I need bleach for my mind!)


10. Zombie movies inevitably reveal that the real monsters are the living: the mindless mass of living dead merely wants full stomachs and the comfort of a familiar locale to stumble and groan in, while the human survivors are always unable to rise above their fear and bigotry, turning upon each other or recklessly endangering the community by acting selfishly and irrationally. In short, the human community isn't doomed by the mindless instincts of the throngs of undead, but by the weak and short-sighted acts of those with a teabagger mentality.