Worm rider

I don't know if you heard, but Newt Gingrich is an unhappy man.

You see, it appears that Mr. Gingrich had something of a lackluster performance at the Republican debate this past Monday. Now that's the kind of thing that happens to most of us at some time or another, actually: we have a bad night, we're tired, we're a little off-beam, we fumble a little; but what you have to understand about Newt Gingrich is that he is, in fact, America's preeminent master debater ("master 'bater", as we knowledgeable types like to call a seasoned pro like Gingrich who's able to spout off at any time, day or night, with a splash of fresh material). The man who eagerly challenged President Obama to seven Lincoln-Douglas style debates isn't the sort who has a bad night... not unless someone causes it to happen.

Which is what happened this week: Gingrich's one, sole, fateful error that killed his performance Monday was to agree to allow NBC, which hosted the debate, to staunch free speech and suppress the natural instincts of a crowd hungry for Gingrich's intellectual meat, and he's not about to let it happen again. The media may want to silence Newt Gingrich, but he'll be damned if he's going to stand by while the left-wing media elites suppress intellectual debate and the free flow of ideas by imposing such meaningless tropes as "rules" and "order" on a proceeding.

The people have a right to be heard. Especially over his opponents' rebuttals and to cover any spots where he's drawing a bit of a blank about that thing, you know, um.

Now, I was a little bit curious about Gingrich's reaction. Not because I didn't understand it--I do, perfectly--or because it isn't unreasonable for him to want the same kind of audience support any proud American Wheel Of Fortune contestant might receive while struggling to decide whether or not to buy a vowel, but because he seemed so emphatic and certain about the matter, as if he had something up his sleeve to keep the networks from screwing him again. So I reached out. This blog has some pretty surprising contacts, and I figured if those skeezy layabouts at The Smoking Gun could get their hands on tour riders for an assortment of musical artists, it wouldn't be hard for me to get my hands on a Gingrich rider if he'd drawn one up for future venues.

In fact, it took me fifteen minutes and three phone calls to get a promise, and another forty-three minutes to get a copy of the Gingrich rider by fax. Suck it, TSG.

I've had one of my staffers here at SotSoGM transcribe the document, which follows. The name and phone number at the bottom were redacted in the copy I got, though, curiously, the name of the contact person at Gingrich's campaign headquarters remained visible in the document and is reproduced below. Behold, my friends, the official Newt Gingrich campaign rider:

TO: DEBATE CO-ORDINATOR
FROM: NEWT 2012 CAMPAIGN HQ
RE: NEWT GINGRICH DEBATE REQUIREMENTS
DATE: JANUARY 25, 2012

THESE ARE THE REQUIREMENTS FOR MR. GINGRICH'S CONTINUED PARTICIPATION IN YOUR EVENT:

1) NEWT 2012 WILL PRESENT YOUR ASSISTANT WITH A LIST OF PROSPECTIVE ATTENDEES TO YOUR NEXT EVENT. NO FEWER THAN ONE-THIRD (33%) OF THOSE IN ATTENDANCE WILL BE FROM THIS APPROVED LIST.

2) THE MEDIA DOES NOT CONTROL FREE SPEECH. EVENT ATTENDEES WILL BE ALLOWED TO APPLAUD AND INDICATE VOCAL APPROVAL OF STATEMENTS MADE BY MR. GINGRICH AT APPROPRIATE TIMES BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER THE EVENT. MODERATORS WILL NOT MAKE ANY ATTEMPT TO QUASH AUDIENCE RESPONSE DURING THE EVENT.

3) EVENT ATTENDEES WILL BE ALLOWED TO CALL MITT ROMNEY A MAN-WHORE.

4) SHOULD EVENT ATTENDEES BEGIN CALLING MITT ROMNEY A MAN-WHORE, MODERATORS SHALL ACKNOWLEDGE THIS BY REFERRING TO MITT ROMNEY AS "MR. MAN-WHORE," E.G. "MR. MAN-WHORE, PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY YOUR WEIRD AND ICKY CULT FORCES YOU TO WEAR SPECIAL UNDERWEAR AND HOW THIS WILL IMPEDE YOUR ABILITY TO FACE THIS COUNTRY'S MOST IMPORTANT PROBLEMS, SUCH AS THE THREAT POSED BY THE ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE (EMP)?"

5) MODERATORS SHALL ASK MR. GINGRICH THESE THREE QUESTIONS:

a) "I KNOW I'M A DICK FOR ASKING, BUT HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR EX-WIVES' MALICIOUS AND UNCALLED-FOR STATEMENTS ABOUT YOUR PRIOR MARRIAGES, MOTIVATED AS THEY ARE BY THE FACT THEY NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD YOU AND HAVE POSSIBLY BEEN BRIBED TO LIE ABOUT YOU BY BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA AND THE LEFT-WING INTELLECTUAL ELITE SOCIALIST MEDIA?"

b) "I FEEL REALLY BAD THAT MY LIBERAL BOSSES ARE FORCING ME TO ASK THIS, BUT HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE WAY YOUR ENTREPRENEURIAL EFFORTS HAVE BEEN MISREPRESENTED BY REPUBLICANS-IN-NAME-ONLY LIKE MITT ROMNEY AND RICK SANTORUM AS IF IT'S A CRIME FOR A DISCIPLE OF OUR GREATEST PRESIDENT, RONALD REAGAN, TO EARN A LIVING IN THIS GREAT COUNTRY OF OPPORTUNITY OF OURS?"

c) "WHY DO RACISTS LIKE ME WANT TO PROTECT THE WELFARE STATE AND KEEP DOWN PEOPLE WHO OUGHT TO BE RAISED UP AND GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITIES THEY SO RICHLY DESERVE TO EARN AN HONEST DAY'S WORK AS A MAID OR SHOESHINE BOY?"

6) MR. GINGRICH SHALL HAVE NO FEWER THAN FOUR OPPORTUNITIES DURING THE DEBATE TO BE INTERRUPTED BY MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE SHOUTING, "U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!"

7) MODERATORS SHALL INTRODUCE MR. GINGRICH AS, "SPEAKER NEWT GINGRICH, PH.D., AUTHOR OF 'THE BATTLE OF THE CRATER,' 'RONALD REAGAN: RENDEZVOUS WITH DESTINY,' 'TO SAVE AMERICA' AND OTHER TITLES AVAILABLE FROM FINE BOOKSELLERS EVERYWHERE AND DIRECTLY FROM WWW.GINGRICHPRODUCTIONS.COM AND OTHER ONLINE RETAILERS. NOW ALSO AVAILABLE IN KINDLE AND AUDIOBOOK FORMAT. SPEAKER GINGRICH IS ALSO AVAILABLE FOR SPEECHES, LECTURES, CONSULTING AND BAR MITZVAHS AT REASONABLE RATES, CALL THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN NOW."

8) MODERATORS SHALL INTRODUCE MITT ROMNEY AS "THURSTON HOWELL THE THIRD."

9) MODERATORS SHALL INTRODUCE RICK SANTORUM AS "THAT GUY."

10) MODERATORS SHALL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE RON PAUL AT ALL DURING CANDIDATE INTRODUCTIONS. MID-WAY THROUGH YOUR EVENT, ONE OF THE MODERATORS SHALL ADDRESS MR. PAUL AS "WAITER" AND ATTEMPT TO PLACE A FOOD AND/OR BEVERAGE ORDER WITH MR. PAUL.

11) MR. GINGRICH WILL BE TRAVELING BY TOUR BUS. IN THE EVENT THE CANDIDATE DOES NOT TRAVEL BY BUS, THREE VANS AND A MIDSIZE SEDAN SHALL BE MADE AVAILABLE TO THE CANDIDATE, HIS WIFE, AND STAFF, ALTHOUGH ONLY THE MIDSIZE SEDAN WILL ACTUALLY BE USED. AMPLE PARKING MUST BE PROVIDED AT YOUR OR THE EVENT VENUE'S EXPENSE. ALL LOADING DOCK AND DOOR AREAS MUST BE CLEARED PRIOR TO LOAD-IN. THE CANDIDATE'S TOUR BUS SHALL REQUIRE 60-AMP SINGLE-PHASE POWER WITHIN 75' OF THE PARKING AREA AND THIS POWER MUST MEET ALL LOCAL CODES.

12) MR. GINGRICH WILL USE ANY GODDAMN DOOR HE WANTS AND DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT HUMILIATING HIM BY MAKING HIM USE A BACK EXIT WHEN HE OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO EXIT WHEREVER THE MOST CAMERAS ARE, COMMIE. HE'LL CUT YOU.

13)MR. GINGRICH'S SHALL REQUIRE A BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM FOR MR. GINGRICH'S EXCLUSIVE USE. (THIS ROOM SHALL NOT BE ACCESSIBLE TO MITT ROMNEY, RICK SANTORUM, ANY MEMBER OF A CANDIDATE'S STAFF, EX-WIVES, CREDITORS AND/OR ANYONE WHO MIGHT HAVE A PENDING PATERNITY SUIT.) THE ROOM SHALL BE PROVIDED WITH ALL OF THE FOLLOWING:

a) SINK, PRIVATE SHOWER AND PRIVATE TOILET FACILITIES.

b) FULLY STOCKED WITH TOILETRIES AND SOAPS.

c) ONE STEREO SYSTEM WITH CD AND CASSETTE TAPE PLAYER.

d) TWO COMFORTABLE UPHOLSTERED CHAIRS AND A MINIMUM OF ONE CLEAN, UPHOLSTERED, COMFORTABLE SOFA OR LOVESEAT.

e) TWO LARGE END TABLES.

f) A WRITING DESK WHERE MR. GINGRICH MAY PEN ANY REALLY DEEP THOUGHTS HE HAS BEFORE THE PERFORMANCE.

g) A LARGE CLOTHING RACK FOR LARGE CLOTHES.

h) A COFFEE TABLE.

i) A LINED TRASH CAN.

j) TWO FULL-LENGTH PORTABLE GLASS MIRRORS.

k) TWENTY-FOUR LARGE, FLUFFY, DRY TOWELS. (MR. GINGRICH MAY KEEP ONE OR MORE OR POSSIBLY ALL OF THESE TOWELS AFTER THE EVENT.)

l) FRESH UNDERWEAR CONSISTING OF: TWO XXXL WHITE COTTON NON-POLY T-SHIRTS (HANES OR EQUIVALENT BRAND), SIX PAIRS OF COTTON NON-POLY XXXL BRIEFS (ALSO HANES OR EQUIVALENT BRAND--NO STORE BRANDS!!!).

m) TWO BANQUET TABLES AND THE FOLLOWING ITEMS:

i) TWENTY-FOUR BOTTLES SPRING WATER, NON-CARBONATED (PLASTIC BOTTLES ACCEPTABLE);

ii) HOT, FRESH-BREWED COFFEE, REPLENISHED DURING THE EVENT SO AS TO BE AVAILABLE AFTER THE DEBATE;

iii) HOT WATER AND ASSORTED TEABAGS TO INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING: TAZO ZEN GREEN TEA, TAZO SWEET CINNAMON SPICE TEA, TWININGS EARL GREY TEA, TWININGS EARL GREY DECAFFEINATED TEA, CELESTIAL SEASONINGS LEMON ZINGER TEA AND CELESTIAL SEASONINGS SLEEPYTIME EXTRA;

iv) ASSORTED SOFT DRINKS, SIX TWO-LITER BOTTLES VARIOUS FLAVORS, COCA-COLA PRODUCTS ONLY, NO PEPSI, AND ONE SIX-PACK DIET COCA-COLA WITH LEMON.

v) MILK, THREE GALLONS.

vi) AMPLE ICE, IN COOLERS AND WITH SCOOPS AVAILABLE.

vii) CONDIMENTS AND UTENSILS: AN ASSORTMENT TO INCLUDE SEA SALT, PEPPER, SUGAR, HONEY, HALF-AND-HALF, HUNT'S KETCHUP, GREY POUPON MUSTARD, MIRACLE WHIP SALAD DRESSING, A-1 STEAK SAUCE, HORSERADISH SAUCE, PACE MILD SALSA, ONE BOTTLE HIGH-POTENCY MULTIVITAMINS, TWO BOTTLES OF ASPIRIN (ANY BRAND EXCEPT STORE-BRAND/GENERIC), COFFEE-STIRRERS, SPOONS, KNIVES, PAPER NAPKINS, PAPER TOWELS, SOLO CUPS.

viii) THE FOLLOWING FOOD ITEMS SHALL BE PROVIDED: CEREALS (ASSORTED FLAVORS), QUAKER BRAND INSTANT OATMEAL (ASSORTED FLAVORS), TWO LOAVES WHITE BREAD, ONE (WHOLE) GRILLED CHICKEN, ONE ROAST TURDUCKEN, SIXTEEN POUNDS OF MASHED POTATOES, INSTANT GRITS (ASSORTED FLAVORS), TWO KEY-LIME PIES, ONE PECAN PIE, THREE GALLONS OF ICE CREAM (ASSORTED FLAVORS), MIXED GREEN SALAD WITH BALSAMIC VINAIGRETTE DRESSING, FIVE POUNDS MIXED NUTS (NO CASHEWS), TWELVE 40-OZ VARIETY BAGS OF HERSHEY'S MINIATURES WITH ALL THE HERSHEY'S DARKS REMOVED, FOUR BOTTLES OF ZINFANDEL (CHOSEN FROM LOCAL/REGIONAL VINYARDS), FOUR BOTTLES OF CHARDONNAY (CHOSEN FROM LOCAL/REGIONAL VINYARDS), ONE TWELVE-PACK OF HEINEKEN, ONE TWELVE-PACK OF SAMUEL ADAMS (SEASONAL BREW ACCEPTABLE), TWO BOTTLES OF JOHNNIE WALKER BLACK LABEL, ONE BOTTLE OF COURVOISIER XO, ONE BOTTLE OF PATRON TEQUILA, THREE FRESH WHOLE LIMES, SIX POUNDS OF M&MS, ONE POUND OF DELI ROAST BEEF (SHAVED), ONE POUND OF WHITE AMERICAN CHEESE (SLICED THICK), THREE FAMILY-SIZED BAGS OF DORITOS, TWO FAMILY-SIZED BAGS OF TOSTITOS, TWO 8 OZ BAGS OF STACY'S PITA CHIPS (ANY FLAVOR, "NAKED/SEA SALT" PREFERRED), A BASKET OF FRESH FRUIT.

ix) THREE BOTTLES OF ASTROGLIDE NATURAL PERSONAL LUBRICANT, TWO BOTTLES OF BODY/MASSAGE OIL, ONE PACK OF EDIBLE UNDIES (CHERRY).

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROMPT ATTENTION IN THIS MATTER. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS OR DIFFICULTIES ACCOMMODATING THE ARTIST, PLEASE CALL THE NEWT 2012 CAMPAIGN HQ AT [REDACTED] AND ASK TO SPEAK TO "MIKE HUNT."

SINCERELY,
[REDACTED]