I'm the goddamn Batman!
Via Jim, at Stonekettle Station, I took this "Which Action-Hero Would You Be?" quiz and confirmed what I already knew:
I'm the goddamn Batman.
That's right. I'm nocturnal, I have a thing for justice, I don't like dressing in bright colors, and I think anybody who isn't a jackass ought to have a whole bunch of "just-in-case" gadgets is on a belt if he's going to be a superhero.
What I won't have, thanks, is nipples on my batsuit.
But what I might do, given that I'm a bit nerdy and out of shape, is build a bunch of giant robots to strike fear into the muggers and gangsters and rapists. Actually, if I was in good enough shape to strap on several pounds of body armor and jump from rooftop-to-rooftop while people shot at me or tried to beat the crap out of me or whatever, I think the giant robots are the way to go anyway. You have to wonder why Bruce Wayne had to wait until he was semi-paralyzed and living in a (non-canonical) future to come up with the idea of fighting crime with giant robots, actually. One, giant robots are really a lot scarier. Two, giant robots are disposable.
That last one is really the crucial one, now that I think about it. If The Joker ties you and your sidekick up (he's captured you already, of course) over a ginormous vat of acid which he's now lowering you into, well, you have a major potential to be screwed. Even if you or the Boy Wonder get your hands onto one of your utility belts, one slip of the fingers and your grappling hook is pretty much a puddle of hydrocarbon goo sinking into the HCl depths. But if it's a giant robot up there (assuming The Joker somehow caught it and tied it up), well if something goes wrong you just fire up one of the robot backups in the basement and find yourself another orphan to adopt. No big deal. You get yourself Angelina Jolie's adoption agent on retainer, you can probably have yourself a new orphan sidekick delivered to the door before you've finished brushing the styrofoam peanuts off your newly-fired-up 'bot; you bet your ass The Joker's going to be pissed when he sees your new robot proxy and sidekick!
The Joker presents you with an unwinnable situation where you have to be in two places at once to save the life of your childhood sweetheart and the District Attorney? Just send a pair of robots out, put in a good mix-CD while you watch the results on the big monitor in the Batcave and you're all set. The Scarecrow tries to dose your giant bat-robot with fear gas? Nothing scares robots. Poison Ivy can kiss your black shiny robot drone with her hypnotic sex-chemicals all she wants, and you'll just be sitting at home recording the whole thing onto a hard drive. The Riddler wants to give you a quiz--it'll be like solving a minigame in a RPG, except if you get bored you can just squash the pinheaded little jerk with a bat-robot-vise-grip. The Penguin? Mister Freeze? They're going down.
Yep. Bat-robots. That's how I'm gonna do it. Just like The Man Himself did in the first half of Kingdom Come.
Because I'm the goddamn Batman, and that's how I roll.
I'm the goddamn Batman.
That's right. I'm nocturnal, I have a thing for justice, I don't like dressing in bright colors, and I think anybody who isn't a jackass ought to have a whole bunch of "just-in-case" gadgets is on a belt if he's going to be a superhero.
What I won't have, thanks, is nipples on my batsuit.
But what I might do, given that I'm a bit nerdy and out of shape, is build a bunch of giant robots to strike fear into the muggers and gangsters and rapists. Actually, if I was in good enough shape to strap on several pounds of body armor and jump from rooftop-to-rooftop while people shot at me or tried to beat the crap out of me or whatever, I think the giant robots are the way to go anyway. You have to wonder why Bruce Wayne had to wait until he was semi-paralyzed and living in a (non-canonical) future to come up with the idea of fighting crime with giant robots, actually. One, giant robots are really a lot scarier. Two, giant robots are disposable.
That last one is really the crucial one, now that I think about it. If The Joker ties you and your sidekick up (he's captured you already, of course) over a ginormous vat of acid which he's now lowering you into, well, you have a major potential to be screwed. Even if you or the Boy Wonder get your hands onto one of your utility belts, one slip of the fingers and your grappling hook is pretty much a puddle of hydrocarbon goo sinking into the HCl depths. But if it's a giant robot up there (assuming The Joker somehow caught it and tied it up), well if something goes wrong you just fire up one of the robot backups in the basement and find yourself another orphan to adopt. No big deal. You get yourself Angelina Jolie's adoption agent on retainer, you can probably have yourself a new orphan sidekick delivered to the door before you've finished brushing the styrofoam peanuts off your newly-fired-up 'bot; you bet your ass The Joker's going to be pissed when he sees your new robot proxy and sidekick!
The Joker presents you with an unwinnable situation where you have to be in two places at once to save the life of your childhood sweetheart and the District Attorney? Just send a pair of robots out, put in a good mix-CD while you watch the results on the big monitor in the Batcave and you're all set. The Scarecrow tries to dose your giant bat-robot with fear gas? Nothing scares robots. Poison Ivy can kiss your black shiny robot drone with her hypnotic sex-chemicals all she wants, and you'll just be sitting at home recording the whole thing onto a hard drive. The Riddler wants to give you a quiz--it'll be like solving a minigame in a RPG, except if you get bored you can just squash the pinheaded little jerk with a bat-robot-vise-grip. The Penguin? Mister Freeze? They're going down.
Yep. Bat-robots. That's how I'm gonna do it. Just like The Man Himself did in the first half of Kingdom Come.
Because I'm the goddamn Batman, and that's how I roll.
Comments
If we're talking old/semi-retired non-canonical Batman, I'll take Frank Miller's Dark Knight any day.
On a side note, at WizardWorld a few years ago, Alex Ross was the guest of honor. I brought my nice, hardcover copy of Kingdom Come for him to sign, which he did, with one of those paint pens, and then he closed the book before it could dry. I took my book and said thank you, when I really just wanted to scream, and carefully peeled the pages apart.
Indiana Jones was a close second.
Third....Mitt Romney
Actually, Romney was a choice on the super villains quiz.
Enjoy your holidays.
Miller's Dark Knight is brilliant. Based on reviews (including the one linked to in the main post), Miller's All-Star Batman And Robin... enh, not so much.
A good catch on the signed Ross Kingdom Come, even if it ended up being a butterfly sig. :-)